As we are approaching it being nearly a year since I went back to work after 9 blissful months off on maternity leave I feel its only right to share my true and honest feelings/opinions on what it's been like going back to work full time with two kids.
Let's jump right in here and be brutally honest it has been hard AF! I was 100% not "ready" to be going back to work after being off only 9 months however as luck would have it we did not win the lottery while i was off so mummy needed to get her butt back to work and start bringing home the extra pennies again because SMP (statuary maternity pay) is a joke.
I am very lucky that I do love my job and the company i work for which did make it a little bit easier going back but i could not help but feel all kinds of mum guilt of leaving Noah while he was still tiny. You see so many other families that are lucky enough that the mum's don't need to return to work until at least the 1 year mark which is amazing however this is not the case for so many of us, and there is 100% a lot of pressure and judgment put on us for NEEDING to go back before the our children turn 1, which let's be honest is a shame as we all know we have enough pressure and judgment anyway without other people putting even more on us.
Now going back to work and leaving your babies is hard enough in "normal" times however as well know we have now been through a global pandemic which meant for so many people we had been working from home. At the time of me returning to work i had not been in the office for well over two years oh and i had joined a new team during this time which i had never met face to face as i don't really think you can class teams as proper face to face. So not only did i have the fear of going back to work i had the fear of going back to the office, the fear of meeting a whole new team and just the fear of actually having to take calls and deal with customers after so long off.
After spending 9 months off just being "mummy" 24/7 i felt like a newbie when i went back and honestly i'm still not sure to this day how i was 1. Not sick taking my first call and 2. How i actually remembered how to do my job. It was abundantly clear to anyone that looked at me that day that i was a nervous wreck and i was just one wrong thing away from grabbing my stuff and running home. But i was extremely lucky that the team that i was working with and still am are amazing and could not have been more welcoming, supportive and helpful especially in those first few weeks back which i am so grateful for as it really did help.
For me personally one of the things i have found the hardest about going back to work is the fact i don't work a "normal" 9-5 job, my shift is a back shit so 1pm-9pm Monday-Friday with 1 Saturday a month as well. This in turn meant that yes i got a good amount of time in the mornings with the kids but unless it was the weekend i missed getting to even see them before bed which is heartbreaking as i have always been there for bedtime. I have lost count of the amount of nights i would either be breaking my heart in the toilets at work or coming home and breaking my heart that i didn't get to see them or even give them a kiss before bed. All of those feelings alongside PND which as you can imagine were crippling and for a short time i grew to resent the fact that Alan was getting to put them to bed and resented the amount of time everyone else seemed to be getting with MY kids.
How was it fair that everyone else was getting to see so much of them and me as their mum was missing out on so much ? I remember just feeling so angry and jealous of all the other mums i knew and all the mums online that where getting to spend all this time with their kids and i was only getting a couple of hours in the morning before i had to leave and go to work.
For such a long time i hated having to go into work and being away from the kids and don't get me wrong i still miss them like mad when i'm at work but i can't lie i do enjoy the break and getting to be "Kayleigh" for 8 hours oh and getting to go to the bathroom without some else coming with me is a luxury i did not know i needed in my life. There are still days that it's hard to leave them and i wish i could still be at home playing and making all kinds of memories with them, but i can now see how it all benefits them in the long run and it just means the time i do get with them i cherish even more now.
Going back to work can be so hard and it can really make you doubt yourself as a parent but trust me when i say it all works out in the end and you getting some time away to just be YOU and not mummy can actually be therapeutic for you.
Just remember why you are doing it and never forget that you are an EPIC parent and your kids know how much you love them. Until next time guys :)
x
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