“There is hope in knowing this about postpartum depression: You are not the only one to experience this confining, crazy making inner chaos within yourself.”
Firstly I just want to start this by saying that everyone's postpartum journey is different and what I am going through and have been through may not be the same for everyone so please remember that.
If you have been here for a while you will already know that I was diagnosed with depression about 1.5 years before having Noah so I was already at a higher risk of suffering with PND. This had been getting treated with a mixture of anti-depressants, meditation, yoga and other types of exercise, however the tablets that I was on pre pregnancy where not classed as safe for me to take during so they where changed. This change in tablets did not help me at all especially with how rough I was finding pregnancy and most defiantly made how hard a time I was having worse.
In the days/weeks after Noah was born it became very clear that I needed help again as I was struggling and not just your normal struggling with a newborn at one point I was actually find it hard to bond with Noah, every time he cried I started to have panic attacks and really didn't want to be alone with him. It was at this point that Alan and my mum sat me down and encouraged me to go back to my GP and see about getting me put back on the tablets I was on before.
My GP was very helpful and supportive and was more than happy to swap me again as we knew the other tablet had worked before.
Since then it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster with good and bad days but for the most part I was just put that down to normal motherhood and trying to adjust back into life with a baby, a pre teen, working full time and keeping a house running but as time kept going on I finding it harder and harder and struggling to see the good days and only seeing the bad days. At this point I didn't want to go back to my GP as they do tell you it can take anything about to 6 months for medication to be fully in your system and working.
Since coming back from our holiday in July it had definitely gotten worse and I had zero motivation to do anything and felt in such a crappy place. I think because Noah is 10 months old it’s easy to forget that postnatal depression can happen at any time and it can be a total rollercoaster of a journey. It's not always going to go smoothly and you are going to have periods when things are good and periods when thing are bad as well and this is totally normal!
I have spoken with friends, family and reached back out to my GP for help again as it is needed and there is no shame in asking for that help we as mothers have SO much pressure put on us right from the second we fall pregnant to be "perfect" but lets be totally honest here NO ONE is perfect we all have good days and bad days, we are all just winging it.
I am still very much on my journey trying to navigate through my PND but slowly with the correct help, support and love I am getting there and finding "myself" again.
If you take anything away from this it is please please reach out and ask for help if you feel you are struggling, speak to your friends your family a GP if needed just don't suffer in silence there is NOTHING wrong with needing help and trust me everyone in your life would rather you reached out than struggle on your own.
Being a new mother is supposed to be the happiest time of your life, but postpartum depression and anxiety strip that away for a time, but trust that it will not last forever.
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